Jim Combs Jokes

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?

A bird that talks your ear off!

Jim Combs Jokes

Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.

When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on ‘The Ten Commandments.’

After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, ‘I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.’

The vicar answered, ‘You mean the commandment ‘ Thou shall not steal’ changed your mind?’

‘No, ‘retorted Henry, ‘the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.’

Jim Combs Jokes

 

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.”

So I opened up the box, and sure enough…

Jim Combs Jokes

I just read that cemeteries all over the country are raising their prices; their blaming it on the increased cost of living.

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says to the doctor,”You can go on in.”

The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, “You can go in on a trial basis.”

The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, “You can enter, but only for 3 days.”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.

Jim Combs Jokes

 

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?

 

Jim Combs Jokes

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, “Wait a minute” and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns.

The other dog says, “What was that all about?”

The first dog replies, “Just checking my messages!”

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

 

If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we’ll really be in a jam.

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

What did the horse say when he fell?

“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

 

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room retorted, “Yeah, right.”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

 

A town’s police officer went to the barbershop. After his haircut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, “No Mr. Police Officer, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found 2 tickets to the local major league baseball team’s next game outside of his doorstep.

A couple of days past and a town’s fireman came in to get his haircut, he got ready to pay and the barber said, “No Mr. Fireman, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found two six-packs of his favorite beer outside of his doorstep.

A couple of days later the town’s Mayor came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, “Mr. Mayor, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found 15 other local politicians on his doorstep, ready to get their haircut!

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

 

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved, “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here!”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

 

In the backwoods of Arkansas, Billy Bob’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The local doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

“Now don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there’s yet another!” cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

 

In the backwoods of Arkansas, Billy Bob’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The local doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

“Now don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there’s yet another!” cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

A town’s police officer went to the barbershop. After his haircut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, “No Mr. Police Officer, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found 2 tickets to the local major league baseball team’s next game outside of his doorstep.

A couple of days past and a town’s fireman came in to get his haircut, he got ready to pay and the barber said, “No Mr. Fireman, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found two six-packs of his favorite beer outside of his doorstep.

A couple of days later the town’s Mayor came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, “Mr. Mayor, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found 15 other local politicians on his doorstep, ready to get their haircut!

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said,
“It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth,
so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand
and walked her behind a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress’?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind
the bush again with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that
was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said, “Now, I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’, Lord?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and off Adam went again with Eve behind the bush.

Just a few moments later Adam re-appeared from the bush and said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

Jim Combs Jokes

Harry had been feeling sick for a few weeks and his wife was urging him constantly that must see his doctor. Finally Harry agreed.

Once at his appointment, the doctor begins a thorough examination on Harry. During the exam a very worried Suzy takes out a large note book and begins interrupting the doctor with questions about potential causes from her notes.

Upon completion of the exam the doctor has a prognosis.

The doctor. says “Harry everything points to stress”.

Suzy flips through pages in her note book, shakes her head in agreement and yells out “I knew it!” The doctor continues, I would like you to start reducing the stress in your life.

Suzy, now turns to a blank page and is ready to write down the doctor’s list of orders.

The doctor then says “this can be done through exercise and eliminating those things that stress you”.

Suzy yells out “and drugs? Drugs to reduce stress right?”.

“Yes” Says the doctor looking at Suzy then turning to Harry “I am going to write a prescription for one tranquilizer to be taken four times a day by your wife”.

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

A plumber was called to an upscale apartment in New York City to repair a leaking pipe.

Upon arriving, he found that the woman was dressed provocatively and seemed to be hovering around him.

After a while, the two became a little friendly and things got heated between them.

Finally they started to take off their clothes when the phone rang. The lady hurried off to answer it. She returned and said “bad news, that was my husband on the phone and he is on his way home from work”.

Then she added, “But tonight is his bowling night, so why don’t you come back around 8 p.m. and we can finish this?”

The plumber replied, “What, on my own time?”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

A man and a woman factory worker are talking, When the woman worker says, “I going to get the boss give me the day off.”

The man worker replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

The woman climbs up on a table, grabs an air vent and hangs upside down.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The boss and the woman walk away when the man worker starts to follow them.

The boss turns to him and says “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

When Billy turned 16 he decided he wanted to sneak into a strip club, and did.

The next day his mom found out and got very angry with him.

Billy’s mom asks, “I know your 16 now, but did you see anything there that you wasn’t supposed to see?”

Billy says “Yes, dad!”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.

One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree, looked around and then yelled out, “Stop making love down there!”

Once the sailor climbed down the husband said “What’s the matter with you? We weren’t making love.”

“Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.”

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree, looked around and yelled the same thing.

Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself what the sailor was seeing. With great difficulty, he husband made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, “By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”

The actor is thrilled.

All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”

“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

 

I went to my doctor last week.

He told me that jogging could add years to my life.

He was right—I feel ten years older already.

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

 

Did you hear about the new German-Chinese fusion restaurant in town?

The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power.

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved, “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here!”

 

Jim Combs Jokes

 

 

Research scientist say they’ve just found a gene for shyness.

They said they would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.

 

 

Jim Combs Jokes

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Jim Combs Jokes

During a couples 50th wedding anniversary party a friend asked what was the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word marriage.”

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

Jim Combs Jokes

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.

The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife.

Jim Combs Jokes

Did you hear that somebody broke into the police station last night and stole the only toilet in the building.

Right now the cops are anxious to apprehend the perpetrator but they have nothing to go on.

Jim Combs Jokes

Two brothers, Michał & Aleksander Bartkowski, leave the big city of Warsaw for their first fishing trip. Arriving at the lake resort they rent their fishing gear and a rowboat and head out onto the lake to fish.

It was a great first time out fishing for the brothers as they caught more fish then they would have ever imagined. They both decided they loved fishing and want to do it again the next day.

As they row back to shore Michał says “Did you remember to find a landmark in the area where we caught all those fish.”

Aleksander replies “I did better than that. I made an ‘X’ on the side of the boat to mark the exact spot.”

Michał yells “You idiot, this is why people call us dumb Polacks! Think Aleksander, think! How do you know tomorrow we’ll get the same boat?”

Jim Combs Jokes

Another one of my all time favorite jokes

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.

The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

The mine notice that the people were starting to pay more attention to the lion in the cage that just woke up. Not wanting to be upstaged, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion’s cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zookeeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell.

The mime was scared but kept his wits and with the lion watching he began to search the lion cage for a way out. When the mine could not find an exit and it became obvious that no help was coming he began to panic. At this point the lion sensed the panic in the gorilla suited mime and started to approach him.

The mine started running towards the front of the cage followed by the very quick lion. Just as the mine got to the bars of the cage and started to let out a scream for help the lion pounced on him and said “Shut up you idiot, you want to get us both fired?

Jim Combs Jokes
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene so vee must cut it off.”

The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?” The German replied, “Ya, that vill be done.”

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to
cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it
over England like you did last time?” “Ya, that vill be done,” says the German.

A few days later the German tells the prisoner that his leg is gangrene now and they must cut it off. Once again the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before, you know drop it…?” The German replies, “Ya, ya, ya, that vill be done.”

A few more days later the German tells the Englishman that his last leg also has gangrene and must be cut off also. “Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just…”

The German snapped, “No it will not be done! We think you are trying to escape!”

Jim Combs Jokes

There is a story in the newspaper about a terrible, terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore. Many Pelicans have been found on the beach with their beaks cut off. Currently the police have one suspect, a local bill collector.

The mine started running towards the front of the cage followed by the very quick lion. Just as the mine got to the bars of the cage and started to let out a scream for help the lion pounced on him and said “Shut up you idiot, you want to get us both fired?